Nice Meeting You

A divorced man continues his hilarious search for true love as he struggles to learn what women really want.

Excerpt from Nice Meeting You - Breakup Form Letter

Dear [insert name of the person you will no longer be sleeping with, unless you get really drunk and lonely],

I [have enjoyed/was bored by/regretted] our relationship but [unfortunately/fortunately/thank freaking God] it has come to an end. You're a real [special/nice/stupid] person, and I'm doing this in print so that you don't have any misconceptions about why our relationship is over.

Here are the main reasons why I [don't love you anymore/need a break/can no longer stand the sight of you]:

[Insert all that apply.]

• You smell.
• You're a slob.
• Your [pets/children/family] are nuisances.
• You're cheap.
• I found your Match.com profile, and it is chock full of lies. (Athletic and Toned? Really?)
• You don't wash your [sheets/shirts/self] often enough.
• You're a Boston [Celtics/Red Sox/anything] fan.
• You dress as if you're going to a [trailer-park party/high school gym class/luau/funeral].
• Your taste in [food/wine/TV shows/movies/music/coffee] sucks.
• I found compromising pictures of you on [your cell phone/Facebook/my friend's phone].
• Whereas you used to [workout/run/surf] multiple times weekly, now you spend more time [riding the couch/playing video games/surfing porn].
• You haven't bought me [jewelry/flowers/chocolate/squat-ola] in months.
• I'd rather pay twice the rent than have to stare at your [fat/hairy/bald] [back/butt/head] for another night.
• I've met someone [nicer/better/prettier/more handsome/less annoying].

All that remains for us to settle at this point is the following:

• [I am/You are] keeping the [sofa/pictures/videos/ring].
• Please [leave my stuff in a bag on your front porch/bring my stuff to my place, and maybe we'll have farewell sex/donate my stuff to Goodwill, except my toothbrush, you ass].
• You [are/are not] allowed to hang out in my favorite [bar/gym/restaurant].

I [thank/hate] you for the time we [spent/wasted] together. I wish you [good luck/facial warts/lonely nights]. If you'd like to discuss this in person, [I'm open to it/tough cookies/get over yourself]. I'm [sorry/glad/ecstatic] if this comes as a shock to you and causes severe emotional damage. Have a [nice/awful/lonely] life, you [deserve to find someone nice/loser/fuck nugget].

[Love/Sincerely/Yours/Ew, please go away],
[insert your name]
[The one that got away/It's your fault, so die already/Coming soon with a friend near you].

P. S. You're a [cadaverous/clumsy/incompetent] lover. Go get some professional help.