Whizzing off the Back Porch: Oddball Stories of a World Champion Fast-draw TV Weatherman

My life has gone by at the speed of a fast draw. Just yesterday, it seems, I came kicking and screaming into this world, and now I'm the last surviving member of my family waiting to be planted in the earth. And the space between these two important events?well, that's what this book is all about: the eighty years of living that have come in between. My life has been outrageously funny, often zany, and frequently unpredictable, but it?s always whizzed by at bullet speed. I posed as a TV weatherman for over twenty-three years?it was a think-on-your-feet kind of a job back in the old days?but nothing could have prepared me for all the humor and oddity that I?ve encountered in my lifetime. For as long as I can remember, I have loved the limelight. Hollywood was the place to be, and I couldn't wait to get there and make my mark. On my way to stardom, I took a few detours: college, the Army, the altar, and several fast-draw championships, among others. These detours led me to countries all over the world, and every continent I traveled to had its own savory characters and stories. I was also part of the early days of television, when anyone, and I mean anyone, could buy time on the air and create his own version of Deal or No Deal. There were no long, boring lines of credits at the end of my short-lived TV show. Heck, I didn't even know what a producer, director, or editor's job entailed. I just went out and found the advertising to pay for the air time. I dreamed up the program material, gathered all the props, and then bribed the guests to do whatever I wanted. No "reality" shows today could possibly rival all the drama, hilarity, and suspense that television offered with the unrehearsed live performances of the 1950s. In the "Name Dropping" chapters, you'll find anecdotes and insights about famous people I've met along the way, including Clint Eastwood, Lucille Ball, Lilly Tomlin, Bob Denver, Oscar Levant, and many others who?ve sailed through my life. More importantly, you'll find out why it's imperative that you never stick your finger in a light socket while standing in water, as well as how to host a TV show and convince your guests to act like fools. If you read closely enough, you might even discover how to fake a fist fight or crack a twelve-foot bullwhip around your enemies before they know you're after them. The following collection of short stories describes the people and animals I've met that left their mark on my life. Some of these tales are not for the faint of heart; the language is crude and the doings are coarse. But they are what they are: snippets of life at its rawest, of real people being real people. In other words, they?re funny as hell! You?ll also find a collection of oddball bits and pieces that have no particular bearing on anything, but have caught my fancy over the years. If you think you're up to it, go take a whiz, plop down in your most comfortable lounge chair, and prepare for a rib-tickling, nostalgic trek into the past eighty years of a World Champion Fast-Draw TV Weatherman.